For the right reasons -- am I over-thinking this?

[Twilight Blueyes]

Forgive my self-indulgence. I'm not only using THR as my potential entry point into the hobby, but also as a self-analysis tool. I could REALLY use other people's input on what's happening inside this head of mine.

Long story short - My mother was a cheater. In fact, my sister is actually my half-sister. We learned this during one of my mother's drunken rages during my senior year in high school. My sister has been a wreck ever since we learned this 25 years ago, but that is another story.

I admit that I have been furious with my mother for years. In fact, I've excluded her from my life (including grandkids) for 2 decades. I've secretly blamed her for all the family's problems.

However, recent events and quiet self-revelations have me questioning my mother's feelings and motivations. And that has me wondering about myself.*What I once viewed as her selfishness, I now kind of see as a desperate attempt to grasp for and hold onto her youth. What I once viewed as an unforgivable violation, I could now see as an understandable need to replenish*her diminishing possibilities.

What I once viewed as my father's noble forgiveness, I now begin to see as passive-aggressive control and an inability to change his lot in life.

It's all so confusing, and I don't know whether or not to move forward in the hobby until I figure out how I feel about my mother, and by extension, how I feel about other women. I want to get into the hobby for the right reasons rather than because of any lingering feelings (good or bad) about my mother.*Am I over-thinking this?

[FBST Victoria]

No your not over thinking this, but you are thinking out loud. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and a long look within.

Its a good thing I decided not to go into counseling... I'm brutally honest!

You need not look to those who dont not know you to make decisions, in fact it seems to me that any decision made right now would be based on thoughts and feelings that are not completely figured out yet.

I have too much to say.

Invest your time any money on a good therapist ....

Good luck.

[AlfredNecessiter]

Okay, I think I am the right person to answer this . . . just my personal situation and views:

The conscience is a peculiar thing. I loved my wife but I was not really in love. I had to marry my wife and lost out on my true love. This really wasn't her fault, I shared in the blame but it is hard to let go of the resentment. I would go to strip clubs and perhaps a massage parlor but I never really cheated on her. As I knew our marriage was failing, I tried to have sexual experiences outside of the marriage but for some reason I could not physically do it. The guilt would have me weak at the moment of copulation. Then, the divorce became final and I seriously started into the hobby. With that document in hand I was suddenly able to fulfill the physical acts that I knew I was capable of.

As far as your Mother. The answer is No she is not the cause for all the problems in your life. Yes, she was the catalyst that changed the status quo but that is where it stops. Since my divorce, I have gained a lot of weight, lost my job, and have some depression. I sometimes have to remind myself that these factors are not my wife's fault. They are mine. I may not have been in this situation if I was still married but I need to be accountable for my own circumstances following the divorce.

I would not go into the hobby until you are divorced. If you start to hobby, you will eventually become divorced anyway. Trust me, it will happen. I firmly believe that it is not infidelity that destroys marriages it is the lies. Talk to her and be honest and try to make your marriage work. If you feel that it is too far gone, be prepared to take the sacrifices and be a Man. Be honest don't hurt her with lies. My wife cheated on me and destroyed me with lies. By the time things got to the end I could not even recognize the Woman I married.

Go to your wife, tell her you love her, work things out and never come back.

Good luck,

Alfred

[Twilight Blueyes]

Victoria,
You've said it very well. I am "thinking out loud", and this is part of the process of taking a very deep breath and looking within.

Therapy -- I've tried that. At best, it was somewhat useful. It helped me come to the place I'm now at. At worst, therapy was mostly predictable, it was kind of like they were reading from a well worn script.

The point that I'm working my way up to is a choice. That choice has always seemed clear. "Right" was clearly right, and "wrong" was clearly wrong. However, I questioning all of that now. The only thing I don't want to do is hurt anybody. That's a tall order because we tend at affect other people with the choices we make.

I just know that something has o change.

[Hazel]

You are human..you will hurt people...the best you can do in life is move forward with the intent of doing your best.

You can't know your mothers true heart unless you talk to her.

If you are this torn over moving foward in the hobby, I would suggest that in fact you are truly not ready and in addition to chatting with you mom, you consider spending some time talking with your wife about what she wants out of your marriage ...and in turn you share what you want.

I find that the majority of men I see who are married, see me not because they are unhappy with their wife but rather, unfulfilled sexually. I may be nieve but I like to think that our playtimes help them be better husbands. When push comes to shove, I view myself as a therapist/counselor in these situations. Kinda like some people get masssages, play golf, do ceramics...whatever, to relax. Some need to PLAY!

If you go into this upset with your wife....still upset with your mother...can it really be a positive thing for anyone? Perhaps a coffee date with a lady might help. Someone who can offer a listening ear, soothe fears and be honest about whether she thinks playtime would benefit you. Believe it or not, there are ladies out there who have actually counseled gents to STOP hobbying.

I think what Victoria was saying (forgive me if I am wrong Victoria) is that WE are not counselors and while we all may have opinions, your posts seem to indicate a need greater then what might be met through the "discussion forum"

We ARE all holding you in our good thoughts I am sure....we have all had our battles...hang in there!

[Twilight Blueyes]

I am soothed and encouraged by the thoughtful, well-spoken comments that people have left in response to my posts.

Much of what you folks have suggested are the things I've either already tried or are doing now. That tells me that you are speaking from the head as well as the heart.

Thank you, all

[Duane_Seattle]

TB,

In a very respectful manner, I do believe you are over thinking this.... (but of course I could be all wrong about this ).

I look at the hobby as a way to live life to the fullest / explore adventures that were only distance fantasies before taking the plunge into the hobby (even if it's only for an hour or so at a time). Also it's good for the economy.

Here's poem that captures some of my thinking....

Passion's Flames
by Jeffrey Carter

A touch, soft and tender.
A whisper, full of desire
A gasp of sweet surrender
As passion fuels the fire

No words spoken between them
No promises to be kept
No lies being told tonight
No looking back - no regrets

Longing to hold each other
Such precious little time
Both vowed to another
Being lonely their only crime

Tomorrow bringing sorrow
A brief moment of shame
With the memory of this one night
A release from passion's flames

[Twilight Blueyes]

That's awesome.
Thanks, D

[wishIcould]

This response is really to several of your posts/threads. A lot of the advice here is wonderful but it is only worth what you paid for it. That also applies to me and the worth of my advice...

Once you enter the hobby you can not go back especially if you are married. You have broken that trust and bond with your significant other (SO). You will be lying to her every time you go out on a date. You will be lying every time you save up up that bit of money and spend it on someone else. You will be lying to your extended family because you can not talk about the hobby and are hiding things from them.

The hobby life is a very closed society where one can only talk with others in the hobby. It therefore becomes a new family with a lot of new 'relatives'. One will enjoy some of the relatives and not some others. There will be in-fighting, ones that you thought you could trust you later discover you can not trust and some will use you for all you are worth and drop you like a piece of garbage. However, you will find some of the most wonderful people that will become your best friends both inside and outside the hobby - but these are few and far between. Can one take on the risk of being caught? Won't happen to you? That is what we all think but it can and most likely will occur at the most unlikely moment even for those of us that take all the precautions: A Very Special Evening - One we both will never forget . What happens if you are arrested - will you be able to keep your job due to the arrest? What happens if you catch something that may or may not be curable?

There was a thread about a year ago about entering the hobby: Nervous Newbie brand new to the hobby . It provides a different perspective of what also should be taken into consideration before making the plunge.

You may ask why do I bring this all up? One needs to be strong, confident in one's self, and have a full understanding of one's self because you will need to rely upon yourself and be able to self-reflect to determine the next steps forward. One needs to be clear headed and understand and accept the risks of being in the hobby. One has to be true to themselves - I mean brutally honest too.

If you have not thought the whole thing through, the hobby is not for you...

While this all sounds like doom and gloom, it is not. I have meet some of the most wonderful people ever in my life. I have grown tremendously and have became a better person. I am also having a lot of fun sharing as well as helping others. This was not without trials and errors but I would not trade it for anything except for one thing... being able to have a full and complete relationship with my SO....

wishi

[Greenlake Buddy]

No your not over thinking this, but you are thinking out loud. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and a long look within.
Its a good thing I decided not to go into counseling... I'm brutally honest!
You need not look to those who dont not know you to make decisions, in fact it seems to me that any decision made right now would be based on thoughts and feelings that are not completely figured out yet.
I have too much to say.
Invest your time any money on a good therapist ....
Good luck.

Nice Victoria! I knew there was a reason I am so fond of you